March series, emotional abuse, depression , anxiety, mental health, blogger, blogging, suicide, toxic people, relationship, friendship,love, life ,,  Mental health, blogger, bodyshaming, life lessons, relationship issues, long reads,  Mental health, mental illness, valentine day, valentine gift cards, valentine gifts , blogging ,blogger

Emotional abuse series part1 – emotional abuse in relationships and marriage

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Hey guys if you have loves my blog so far and would like to contribute at https://ko-fi.com/abbey0245 it would be appreciated ❤. Thanks to Hannah at https://pagesplacesandplates.wordpress.com for taking out time to share her thoughts and experience on this issue, feel free to check out her blog.
Now my theme for this month is based on emotional abuse and I have sought the help of other bloggers to contribute to this theme ,so if you would love to contribute a story,blog post or poem on this topic feel free to leave a comment below and I’ll get across to you.  I am personally of the opinion that emotional abuse isn’t taken just as seriously as physical abuse, now I am not about to pit one against the other but I believe emotional abuse unlike physical abuse cannot be seen. It eats up at one’s mind and soul and the mind slowly but surely begins to play games that usually end up inflicting long term wounds on the individual. Emotional abuse usually links up to physical abuse as well as other mental health issues like anxiety and depression.
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Emotional abuse is like physical abuse just without the familiar beatings, physical scars or other physical forms of abuse rather the abuser uses words and emotions to slowly destroy his or her partner making them feel in control of their partner while constantly destroying their partners self esteem and self confidence. Most people don’t even realize they’re in an emotionally abusive relationship as long as the guy hasn’t “laid his hands on them ” then everything is cool while for some others emotional abuse is just an extension of the physical abuse they face from their partner as well.
Emotional abuse cuts deeper and lasts longer than physical abuse as the person abused is constantly in a state of emotional turmoil as to what people’s true opinions of them really are as they have been made to feel useless and worthless but their abuser, they worry about their self image and usually find it hard trusting people again causing them to really hard or critical of themselves -, this usually leads to isolation front the society as they believe they are undeserving.
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For those who might not be familiar with emotional abuse, most people ten to throw this word quite loosely nowadays by regarding a small communication issue such as partners yelling at each other once in a while with the aim of passing across their emotions as emotional abuse  or just do not give it enough attention.
Relationships are meant to make you feel special, committed,beautiful/handsome , inspired,motivated, enlightened and above all loved. But when the relationship rather than provide all this comfort or luxury provides you with doubt , lack of self confidence, low self esteem, lack of trust in yourself and your decisions, fear, depression, frustration, isolation, anxiety, feeling of not been good enough and the feeling that you can never be loved by anyone or that you’re undeserving of love – then it’s time to critically analyse such relationships.
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One of the reasons I feel emotional abuse is hard to easily notice is because it occurs quite slowly and subtly, it usually involves a lot emotional blackmail and manipulations on the part of the partner and is common to both genders. Based on a personal experience ,actually now that I have an opportunity to think back to it I realize there are signs I missed out on that were really quite glaring but then when you keep up in this fantasy world that you can change every and anyone for the better and to suit that perfect partner that you’ve always dreamt of just like I did -then there will be a problem.
I have come to realize that when people raise red flags more than once rather to stake it in “to see where it leads to” it’s best to pick up that red flag and RUN . It is usually difficult to imagine moving on from a break up not to talk of moving on from an emotionally or physically abusive partner as much as you want to leave there is this lingering feeling of fear that you will never love anyone the same nor ever have someone love you the same way.

Types of emotional abuse

  1. Emotional blackmail and manipulation
  2. Verbal intimidation or insults
  3. Humiliation and bullying
  4. Criticism
  5. Isolation and fear
  6. Body shaming or any other kind of shaming images (6)
  7. Belittling and gas lighting – the abuser gives the partner the impression that no one would believe him or her as well making them feel crazy and out of their mind whenever they express a concern.

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   Warning signs of emotional abuse

Now now ladies and gentlemen ,I have come across people who are emotionally abused but because of how much they love their partner they choose to ride that wave of love and keep going back or chasing that same person no matter how many times they threaten to leave. One thing I realize is that emotional abuse stems from the abuser’s own low self esteem and insecurities. The need to always control one’s partner is one that stems from fear and because of the fact that he or she knows that they can leverage on the emotional weakness of their partner to always get their way.  Some signs of emotional abuse are ;

  1. Blame system – have you ever tried bringing up a conversation on issues that affects you in your relationship and your partner basically just plays down your concerns and just makes you feel like you’re unappreciative and unnecessarily bringing up those things. You find it difficult opening up or talking to your partner about certain things that concerns you personally or in your relationship because you’re scared of been made to feel judged.

Or does your partner put the bulk of blame on you for his or her behaviours eg “if you weren’t been so lazy then maybe I wouldn’t have shouted at you nd called you names” ,” if you had just cooked the food properly I wouldn’t have had to insult you and embarrass you in front of my friends and family” and then you begin to feel like it was your fault and just maybe you weren’t just careful enough.
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2. Criticism and making of threats ; when your partner consistently and frequently criticises any action from either your dressing, attitude to situations, friendships , weight , or beauty then there is a red flag there. When you’re been made to feel worthless , ugly or just plain pitiable. The  usual tactics of emotional abuse is the threats usually the abuser threatens to leave the relationships or when children are involved may threaten to take your kids away or anything else you reply value including a pet. Or they might threaten to ruin your reputation or expose a secret or dirt about you or share some private information such as certain picture or videos you thought were personal. They have no problem exploiting your weak points just to make you feel weak.
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 This is done to keep you at edge so you always give in to their will for far of losing them or losing certain things they might offer maybe the abuser pays your bills or got you that job etc. They might also do this by asking you to choose between them and a family member or friend hence cutting you off from the people most important to you. 
3. Lack of affection or romance; now this is also common an emotionally abusive person can decide to “punish” you by withholding affection  either by giving you the silent treatment or ghosting for a while (not picking up calls nor answering texts or visiting ) or withholding sexual contact. They use this as a leverage to manipulate you so at the end of the day you’re the one apologising for something you didn’t do or that was never wrong just to keep the relationship .
4. Superiority and high expectations; emotional abuse involves making the other person seem inferior to the abuser,you’re made to feel like you’re nothing without them or you could never have made it without them. They humiliate you at every slight opportunity even in front of family and friends and make you seem more or less like a joke. They make you feel like you’re the reason for their own actions or inactions or just plain telling you that your opinions are trash. The main aim of such is to condescend your opinions and values and make you feel like you aren’t on par with them or t the same level.
Also an abuser sets rather high expectations and expects you to meet up with those standards, they always tend to make you believe that they’re always in the right and expect you to meet up by demanding things such as how much time you spend with them and others , they expect to be your one and only priority whether it suits you or not. They are never satisfied no matter the effort or no matter what you do, you just can’t seem to get that nod of approval for every right thing you do there are basically ten other wrong things.
5. Insults and separation from friends and family; usually the abuser tends to undermine and insults you at the slightest opportunity with the aim of making you feel bad about yourself at that point in time. They make you feel like your emotions are either too much or just way too low that is you’re either over reacting to a situation or not giving a good enough response to a situation. Basically they thrive on ridiculing you and making you feel like your opinions and thoughts or advice re unwanted and stupid. Your feelings are basically seen as big pile of shit or just a big pile of nothing. This is also a time where the abuser begins to slowly make you cut communication with people they see as threats to their abusive ways ,you begin to lose people who’re close to you for that relationship to survive.
They show jealous traits by monitoring and invading your privacy by checking your phone or computers and accusing you of cheating or stepping out of line. You’re more or less treated as a property to be used and disposed of at will . They control your life or most of it including finances and constantly mock your family relationships or background and even friendships when convenient for them even in the presence of the parties involved. So basically they are isolating you in such a way that they become the only one you’ve left so you have no choice but to remain in the relationship.
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6. Damage of properties and fights; an emotionally abusive person will always be ready to create chaos just to stake their claim or destroy valuable things just to prove a point especially those things you hold dear ,it might be a  vase or anything at all. They are very ready to start and argument over every and anything even the flimsiest of things are enough to spark the fire in them. You’re constantly in fear and on the edge hoping he or she isn’t in “another of their moods” . You basically have your heart in your mouth at all times.

  Another clear sign is that they send mixed signals that is usually after they do all these negative things and they notice any resolve on the part of their partner to leave the relationship they suddenly become loving and romantic with the aim of getting you back under their hold from buying you your favorite chocolates to taking your o watch that movie you have been dying to see, to profusely apologising and buying of cards and flowers and other gifts just to prove that they aren’t that bad and to make you feel like you were just over thinking things. So their partner soon falls for it once again and things are good for a day or two or even more and they are back to their narcissistic ways. They’re basically riding on your emotions.

Consequences of emotional abuse

  1. Suicidal thoughts
  2. Anxiety and depression
  3. Lack of self confidence
  4. Low self esteem
  5. Isolation and inability to fully trust others and their intentions
  6. Living in fear and becoming emotionally distant
  7. Lack of or low self worth
  8. Death

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How to leave an emotionally abusive situation or partner

  1. Put yourself first ; now this won’t be easy because you’re used to  putting the wishes of your partner first but it’s time to be a little selfish, it’s time to protect your own mental health and peace. It’s time tod decide to not be controlled NY your emotions, you’re in charge of your emotions and should make it work for you not the other way round. Protect your wellbeing, you deserve happiness and love . And you should never stop fighting to get it, don’t settle for less there are more out there more deserving of you. Be honest with yourself and be honest with your partner on your feelings and stand your ground.
  2. Stop fixing things ; stop consoling yourself eight he thought that you can change or fix the abuser,stop trying to make black white, stop trying to fix everything you’ll just end up hurting yourself more than is necessary. You’re setting yourself up for more  heart break with such action. When someone shows you their true selves don’t try to re-paint them. Stop trying to change what can’t be changed , stop trying to make yourself fit into that perfect picture they have created for themselves. You’re perfect ,you shouldn’t be changing you to fit a person that’s undeserving.
  3. Stop blaming yourself- by doing this you’re giving them more power over you, you’re not to be blamed for their behavior or lack of it. It isn’t your fault and you should not ever feel that way. It wasn’t a choice you deliberately made to be abused and there isn’t anything wrong with you in the least . You deserve a life and relationship filled with love and happiness, you deserve good things . YOU DESERVE GOOD THINGS!!
  4. Establish broken friendships – it’s time to get back all the friendships you have given up on because of the abuser, it’s time to regroup and get back your support system. It could be your family or close friends or anyone you trust, surround yourself with positive people who would build your self esteem and confidence back up and not those who will judge and mislead you . Get together with anybody who has gone through same nd who can advise you and understand you.
  5. Break off such abusive relationships; yessssss!!! It’s time to finally let go of this relationship, no matter how hard and impossible it might seem. It’s time to set yourself free from such abuse, it’s time to heal yourself and place yourself back on the right path to recovery emotionally, mentally and physically. It’s time to say NO MORE, it’s time to gain back control of your life. It’s your life and you live it by your own rules.

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   M If their are children involved it’s best to go about it in such a way that you nd your children are safe. Don’t allow your partner use your kids as an excuse to keep you in bondage, if possible get yourself and your kids away as soon s possible. No child and no person deserves to be in such a case as it’ll only breed hatred at the long run. Go about it in such a way that you’re at the winning side in it all . 

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Wishing you best of luck as you take steps to an even better life and a healthier relationship💛. And if you’re emotionally abusive and you sincerely want to change ,it’s time to meet a counsellor and discuss the best ways to get in check. As usual can’t wait to read your comments!
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Hey and welcome to my little corner Abbey's chronicles, a blog where I share my raw and unbiased thoughts on issues on mental health, lifestyle, wellness and self care. No topic is ever off limit as long as it affects lives and relationships, it's subject to discussion. This blog strives to provide solace for everyone going through issues they might not be able to talk about on a daily. My name is Abbey, a mental health advocate and enthusiast with a love for helping people who feel alone or are facing issues relating to life and mental health issues with the aim of raising awareness as well as providing succor. This blog was started as an avenue for me to deal with my own monsters. The aim of starting this blog was to for it to serve as some sort of therapy during my darkest times of depression and though it isn't all over yet, I hope this blog serves as a form of therapy to others going through similar issues relating to life and mental health. Finally in my free time I can be seen drowning in movies, food, sleep and books. I guess I am a blogger at night and an aspiring medical student at other times.

27 Comments

  • TheDailySunlight

    You are so right. The first step is definitely to get out of such a relationship. Omg, this is so bad. Nobody deserves to be abused. This is so wrong. Friends and family are always there to support. This is such an important topic to discuss. Everyday, people are being abused. We need to make this world a better place. Thank you so much for this post.

  • psdontreadthis

    Thank you for writing about emotional abuse. It might be the case that not many people realise that they are victims of such abuse. So, I hope many people read this and understand how important it is to talk about it and to help people who are experiencing emotional abuse.

  • Hannah

    I just realised I never commented on this so thank you so much for allowing me to be involved! This is such a thorough and well-researched article and I hope it reaches the people that need it the most.

  • Laura Hay

    Excellent and thorough post. I agree that emotional abuse isn’t given as much attention as other forms of abuse. Less is known about it in the general public as well. Teaching the public more about it and to identify the signs of abuse are important, too. Victims need all the support they can get. I’ve been through it myself and would love to share my experiences if you’re still looking for writers.

    • Abbey

      I would absolutely appreciate that. Feel free to send your blog post to my email address on or before 25th of March I would really love hat you can also add backllinks to your blog and social media networks. My email is [email protected] Thanks😘. I will tag you as well when I share it on my social networks. Xx

  • Jessica

    Ohhhh my goodness … this is such a POWERFUL POST !! 🙌🏽 So much truth, honesty and facts in it! No type of abuse is okay it’s always important to recognize the signs or red flags and either nip it in the bud or leave! Great Post! Thanks for sharing !! Happy Friday!! ❤️

  • Michelle Gurrola Burks

    Having experienced most all of this, I commend you for being so brave to write about such a hard subject. It has a lasting effect on everyone, but hopefully will never define you. Bless your heart and I am sure that this will help people who may not see that there can be a safe way to move forward. Wow, thank you for sharing.
    xoxo Michelle

    • Abbey

      Really sorry you had to go through some of this. Emotional abuse is one subject I really wish society as a whole will attach more importance because one isn’t physically hurt or abused doesn’t mean he or she should be over looked as not having a, “big enough problem “. Thanks so much for your beautiful comment xx

  • Segilola Salami

    thank you for addressing such an important topic and I hope it helps at least one person get the strength they need to leave.

    best wishes

    Segilola Salami

    segilolasalami.co.uk/blog

  • Ash

    Thank you for sharing this, unfortunately emotional abuse isn’t talked about so people don’t really understand what it is! People in abusive relationships are so manipulated that they defend their abuser, because they think they deserve it! Friends and loved ones should be cautious if someone is making their partner out to better than they actually are.

    Ash | thisdreamsalive.wordpress.com

  • beingtessiebelle

    Hey, you did an amazing job here! You totally covered and identified everything that needs to be heard about this topic. It was a very informative and very thorough post. It’s a hard topic and you did amazing! Thanks for sharing.

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